Series: Understanding the role of a coach and a client is vital to doing effective work within the container.
Clients come to you, a stranger on the internet, to bear their souls seeking help for issues and challenges for which they do not have anyone in their lives to satisfy that need. That’s the nutshell of what we discussed last time…
That’s an important thing to keep in mind as we dive in to each session. I have found that, as coaches, if we’re not careful it’s easy to get… how do I say it… um… bored. We want pizzaz. Excitement. Fun. We can see the challenges that clients are facing and it’s so easy to just jump in to the fray and get straight to the point. They spill their guts and we see the pieces they’ve shared and boom! I got it! Here’s your problem! Just stop doing that or start doing this and that problem will go away! Easy-peasy! *dusts of hands*. We feel justified earning the hundreds of dollars they paid us for that hour.
But what does that feel like on the other end?
Is that really what they need?
Is that really helping them?
If they wanted someone to point out their failures and tell them some opinions about what they should do, they could have just gone to coffee with a friend. And because that friend knows them and their lives, it probably would have been better advice. And would have cost them a hell of a lot less.
It’s easy to get it twisted. People hire us and being the good citizens we are, we want to earn the money they have paid. This is our work, our job, we want to ‘do work’ for them.
This isn’t that kind of job. We need to re-evaluate our role in the coaching process.
I recently had a session with a business coach to which I paid an exorbitant amount of money for help with a very specific problem in my business. I hired her because I didn’t know anyone to whom I could bring this problem. I didn’t know anyone with expertise in these matters and I wanted fresh eyes on the problem. The disconnect between us was around who each of us thought was in charge of solving the problem. I thought she would help me come to a decision that was uniquely suited to me and my needs. She thought she needed to earn her pay and solve my problem for me.
She did what a lot of coaches think they’re supposed to do… she challenged my assumptions about myself and the problem. She offered solutions followed by reasons and proof for why she thought her way was the best choice. I left the session feeling completely off-kilter and deflated. She feels that she earned her keep by doing her job.
But did she? I don’t think so.
Am I just ‘uncoachable’ and resistant to guidance? Am I strong-willed and not willing to take in other opinions? Yes. And it’s absolutely fine to be. It’s my life we’re talking about here. That’s absolutely my role. Because I want to live my own life by my own choices. I want to be responsible for the choices I make. I’m not looking for someone to blame if things go south. And if that’s your goal for your life, then that’s your role in your life too.
I believe that the purpose of coaching is not to solve other people’s problems for them. I believe it’s to guide them to their awareness of what’s best for them and their circumstances regardless of what I would do or think they should. Our job as coaches is to help people discover their own path, not to cut the path for them or to point them to a well-worn one up ahead.
I believe that my role as a coach is to remain ultra-present with the person who has placed their trust in me and to do nothing but reflect back what I am sensing in any moment. Do I hear doubt and confusion? Why? What’s the source? Do I hear fear or self-doubt? Why? Where is that coming from? I am their to support their bravery in going as deep as they want to go (or not) in any moment to understand what brought them to this moment and to help them follow the breadcrumbs their soul is leaving them to move forward.
Let me tell you, that is not easy. I have an ego just like anybody else. I want to be the one to step up and offer the perfect solution. I want to be the place from where the best ideas and solutions flow. Of course I do! But that’s not my role. My job is to do the work of setting aside my ego (repeatedly and constantly… moment-to-moment on some days) and to be quiet and create the space where my clients can hear the whisper of their path forward. And to remind them that they are strong enough, smart enough, and brave enough to follow that whisper.
